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Dear Reva: Financially Stressed

September 27, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Dear Reva:

As with many others and their job situation our finances are a mess. We are behind on almost every bill.  We try to pay our bills but we just don’t have the income anymore. My husband was laid off over a year ago and he took a job making “peanuts,” just so he’d have something coming in. I have gone back to work, but we just can’t get caught up. Our credit has suffered too, so it’s not like I can even borrow the money now. Creditors are calling, National Grid has been at my door. We use to pay on time all the time, and now it’s not possible. We really are desperate and need money NOW. What can we do?

Signed,

Financially Stressed

Dear Financially Stressed:

It is terribly stressing when you just don’t have the means to pay people. Many people are having these issues right now, and are losing homes etc. due to it. Here are some great ways to get extra money now:

1. Dog Walking. Easy job, check in the neighborhood for those with dogs who may want a break and have someone else walk them. Quick and easy cash.

2. Scrap metal.  You’d be amazed at what you have in the house, basement, garage, shed, etc.  Take it to the scrap yard. Because it is recyclable you will get paid for it. You can even ask others if they have any metal they don’t want and add it to your pile.

3. Yard Sale. Clean out your closets, basement, storage etc. and put it out on the lawn for sale.  be sure to advertise, put signs on the main streets for others to see. You can even advertise in the newspaper for very little cost.

4. Get Another job.  Even though your husband and you have a job, you may need another one. If making “peanuts”(much less than previously) isn’t getting bills paid, then it’s time he steps it up.  I say “HE” because he’s the one making very little and it’s often easier for the wife to deal with the children later at night while he works another job. If you discuss and decide that you should get a second job, then that’s your choice. Every one’s situation is different.  A great job for fast money is waiting tables. You get to bring home tips immediately.

5. Start Your Own Business. Some people have great ideas that take right off and earn money fast, such as selling a service, cleaning houses, babysitting, lawn mowing, hauling away things for people etc.

6.  Seek Emergency Assistance. Food pantries and social services are places to go for help for food, medical coverage, food stamps and HEAP (have their own office outside of SS).  HEAP helps people by using government grants to pay their electrical, oil, and gas bills.  If you have young children, check out WIC. It’s a program for women who have infants and children. If you meet the guidelines you can receive grocery assistance, and YES you can be married to receive it.

7. Ebay. Sell stuff. Create an Ebay store.

8. Rent out a room if you can, or spare storage area for someone’s storing needs. Again easy and fast money.

9. Sell items on Craigslist.

10.  Get another job by seeking a temporary agency. If you show up on time, and do well, they may keep you aboard.

11. Be a guinea pig for medical testing. (This is not one I advocate for.) The National Institute of Health has over 300 studies for which that they need volunteers.

12. Tap your retirement of life insurance. If you have whole life insurance you can tap into it at any time. Call your business office about the details to tapping into your retirement. Or go into your IRA if you have one…..sometimes there are penalties with doing this.

13. Get a loan.  You can from family, or a bank. If you acquire one from family please put it in writing. Make sure you can make payments. Banks can adjust payments.

14. Pawn jewelry, especially gold and silver right now. They are being bought at terrific prices. Pawn other valuable item.

15. Sell your plasma (blood can be sold to some banks) or your hair. There are online  stores that buy “real” hair for wigs and they pay you a nice price as well. (They usually want at least a foot in length.)

16.Roadside Sales. Sell some items such as flowers, soda, or baked goods at a busy road side at the 5 pm traffic hour.  You can pull in some quick cash doing this. Be sure there are no city or town certificates or DBA needed before you begin.

17.Go Scavenging for cans to recycle.

These are some ideas to start with, however, before you go hock your grandmother’s antique diamond ring, check with your credit card companies for help. Many of them understand the problems that have risen in our country and are rather sympathetic.  Call your mortgage company and see if you qualify for some of the new Obama installed assistance for keeping your home.

Also seek advice from a professional or at least someone who you can trust to look at all your financial problems and help you with a solution, a friend, pastor, someone with monetary sense.  You also may need to call a credit counselor. They can adjust your bills, get you little or no interest charges and you pay them one lump sum monthly and they pay your creditors.  Many people ask, “But, does this hurt my credit score even more?”

My answer usually is, how bad is it now? If it’s to the point that it doesn’t matter, do it.  If it’s almost to that point, do it because it will be to that point soon, unless you can draw more money in.  And although using a credit counselor to be the “go-between” on your behalf with creditors is frowned upon and may lower your credit score, you won’t have harassing phone calls anymore, and you will have a little more financial freedom (because the creditors get your payments lowered.) You will also be less stressed out.  And let’s face it, do you have the credit to go get a personal loan to consolidate all this? If you do, you probably would have by now.

So my advice in a nut-shell is, first, get someone to confide in and some sound financial advice. Second, if needed call a credit counselor, to see if they can help. By the way, you can always call to see what they can do for you and what plans they have, but you do not have to use them if you decide they are not for you. Third, use some of the ways above to bring in extra cash.

Lastly, don’t do anything crazy or illegal. It’s not worth it. If worse comes to worse, sell your home before the bank can and find a cheap apartment or even live with family for awhile. Then there’s always that “B” word I have been avoiding…. If all else fails, some people may need to see a lawyer and file bankruptcy. It stinks, I know, but you could be facing worse things in life. Remember this is only for a season, you’ll work hard and soon you’ll find yourself on the upswing.

Stay happy. Live healthy.

~Reva

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Front Page, Opinion-Editorial

Dear Reva: Mother of a Mother Hen

September 4, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Dear Readers,

Before I answer this week’s question, I want to add something for last week that I somehow left out. When sending your child to pre-k or kindergarten for the first time, you may also want to read a book or two about going to school for the first time. You can find them everywhere, like specialty book stores, Walmart often has some or your local library, to name a few.

My favorite one is The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn. Teachers often use this the first day of school, but it would be a bonus if they heard it at home first, as it’d be familiar to them! In it the mother raccoon kisses the baby’s hand and closes his fingers; then she tells him whenever he is missing her to open his hand hold it to his cheek and remember she loves him. Oh! You will love it! Then do just that with your child, KISS that hand of his/hers.

You can also send something in with her for the first few days of school, like a mini toy or stuffed animal to look at and hold if they miss home. Teachers at this grade level are amazing with working with the LITTLE ones at getting their minds back to the school setting, and they will hug your little one too.  Don’t think their little emotions will go without warmth and love.  Your kids will have it!

(Note: Beware about sending in photos for your child to view when he’s sad!  They don’t always help, as the child “sees” family members, the emotions may start flowing.) Thanks for reading, and sorry I missed that section!

Dear Reva:

I read your last two columns and figured since you’re on the school kick, I’d write you. My daughter is a great student. She is also a “mother hen” and a “social butterfly.” I heard rumors that her new teacher is a strict, no nonsense teacher. So needless to say, I’m concerned. How do I get the year off on the right foot?

Signed,

Mother of a Mother Hen

Dear Mother of a Mother Hen,

Teachers are usually quite flexible and despite their teaching styles they understand that children are so different and so complex. I know a teacher who runs her classroom like a mini-army reserve corps, (in my opinion)….And the kids love her! There are rarely any classroom problems and yes she’s had the mother hens and social butterflies, but the teacher conforms to their needs while keeping her style and discipline intact.

You can always meet with your child’s teacher beforehand if your social butterfly is nervous about having this teacher. If not, you may want to wait it out and see how it goes as she begins school.  As your child comes home each day, talk to her about her day in detail. You’ll be able to sense by her expressions, tone of voice, etc. how it TRULY went, and ask her direct questions, like, “Do you like your new teacher?  Why or why not?”  If you then have concerns, express them to the teacher. Make an appointment, and remember to be gentle in your approach. My favorite proverb is “a gentle word turn away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger!”  I am a firm believer that it’s not WHAT is being said or done but HOW it is being said or done.

If you need to have one of these meetings, which may not be so comfortable, start off with the positives, and be gentle with your words. If you go in and spew off, “I knew my kid wouldn’t like your class. Your way too strict!” or something as such, you’ll immediately put the other person in “defense” mode. And there won’t be much accomplished with your conversation…. which is what you need.

Another idea which I wouldn’t recommend, unless something terribly severe happens in the classroom, is asking for a change of teacher. It is really difficult to have that request granted.  Students are placed in classes based on the previous teacher’s recommendations. Plus, if you haven’t even given this new teacher a chance, the request will not be looked at as serious. Give the new teacher a chance, see how it goes. Who knows? Maybe (and hopefully) you are nervous for nothing.

Stay happy! Live healthy!

~Reva

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Education, Front Page, Opinion-Editorial

Dear Reva: Not Ready to Let Go

August 26, 2010 By 2 Comments

Dear Reva:

I am a mom of a 2 year old and 4 year old who is attending pre-k this fall, and I am a mess. I do not want my son to go to school. On one hand I know it’ll be great for him to learn, but I am really sad and don’t know how to get my mind off from missing him. I mean, he’s only 4! However, my husband and I do keep a positive outlook to him and tell him how much fun he will have. We bought him a backpack and he ‘s all excited. But, I am already crying over this in private.  I have even begun to think that maybe I just shouldn’t send him this year!  Not sure what to do! Please help!

Sincerely,

Not Ready To Let Go

Dear Not Ready To Let Go:

Ohhh! You need to cut those apron strings, and I know it is so STINKIN’ hard! I was where you are not too long ago. Of course we are all sad when our kids go to school and we cry thinking about it, but there are a million things to think about when making decisions and dealing with our own emotions as parents. First of all, I have to give you a ton of credit for being so honest with your feelings, yet concealing them from your child so he has a positive outlook on school. That’s so hard sometimes.

I cried too, when I sent my daughter off to school (pre-k) the first day, and I cried her first day of kindergarten, and I am pretty sure I am going to cry her day of first day of first grade, which is coming soon. But I know that feeling of letting our babies out of our hands, and into the hands of another adult who has many other children to take care of and teach. It’s gut-wrenching! It’s scary!  We, as parents, have so many fears, and those fears are often comprised of all the unknowns that are going on in his/her classroom with a person we barely know. I can tell you from personal experience, teachers are not in their profession for the money; 99.99 percent love children and love to teach them. They actually want to do their job, and do it excellently.

Please don’t prohibit your child from going to school. He’s excited; he wants to learn and meet new friends, and it isn’t fair to him that you’re not ready. Don’t hold him back because of your fears and sadness. You’ll HAVE to do it next year anyway. A friend of mine gave me some great advice. She told me that despite the fact that we want our children to stay little, as they hit each milestone, celebrate! Celebrate because they are growing normally and that is such a blessing! Here are some ideas you can try. Hopefully they will help you out.

1. Talk to his teacher beforehand. Make an appointment if necessary. There’s usually a scheduled time to visit before school starts …Go!  Ask many questions. You can even tell the teacher you are nervous about your son starting and you have many questions. If you need an extra appointment with her, tell her and schedule it.

2. Remember the excitement your son has. Don’t discourage it! Get him to school, follow the bus, and help him into class. Take many pictures or video! And soon thereafter, walk out the door. (You’ll pull the wad of tissues from your pocket as you open the car door, and as you jump in you will cry…sob…wail…and want him in your arms more than anything! But, drive home…

3 … because he is fine, and baby number two needs you now, and wants that time with you.  You’ll have one-on-one time with him for a change.

4. Think about this positively for yourself now…a half a day with only one child. Who can you visit? What errands would be easy to run while he is at school?  Housework? etc.

5. Take up a hobby or exercise class, or read that book you’ve been wanting to finish for the past two years.

6. When your son arrives home or you pick him up, have a little “Happy 1st day of school gift.”  I chose a few balloons….3 bucks, dollar store! (FYI, I didn’t bring them in the school when picking her up, as other kids didn’t have a gift!) But, I did tell her I had something special for her first day. She kept asking me. “What? What? What?” When I opened our van door they came popping out at her, and I told her how proud of her I was. It was awesome!

When she came home on the bus from her first day of kindergarten, I was so nervous! Simply because she’s 5 and on the school bus. I had parked my car lengthwise across my driveway, and taped a huge “WELCOME HOME” banner to it with balloons (again) tied to the door handles!  Her eyes lit up like lights on a Christmas tree when she stepped off that bus.

7. Ask him a million questions, like, how was your day?  What did you do?  Did the teacher read to your class? Did you make a friend today? Who did you sit with? etc.. Ask even the ones you fear, like, “Was everyone nice to you today?” Go through his backpack together and be EXCITED about EVERYTHING!…. even if there’s a permission slip to his first field trip… Deep breath! You can do it!  Actually YOU CAN!  CHAPERONE!  You can ask to chaperone and even volunteer once in awhile in the classroom if you are able. It’s only a half day in pre-k, so try to relax and enjoy the time! He’ll be home soon with so much to share with you! Hope this has helped.

Live Happy! Stay Healthy!

~Reva

Dear Reva has a degree in child psychology and education. Her views do not necessarily reflect the views of staff at M3P Media LLC. Dear Reva can be reached at madnews@m3pmedia.com

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Education, Front Page, Opinion-Editorial Tagged With:

Dear Reva: Can’t Keep up with the Jones’

August 20, 2010 By 1 Comment

Dear Reva:

I loathe school shopping. My teenage daughter has trouble fitting into the “latest” fashions, which causes friction when shopping. Of course we will never agree on what she “should wear,” and I don’t want to control that completely, but I want to make the experience enjoyable and spend some quality time with her. It seems every year we battle at the stores.

Also, with the economy the way it is money is tight and the family is just unable to spend as much on school clothes and supplies as years past.

Do you have any advice on finding that happy medium when it comes to school shopping?

I get tired of hitting the stores over and over again. I’d like to get it all done in one day. When is a good time to do this?

I’d also like to purchase just the basic necessities. What do you suggest and how do I find the best deals?

Signed,

Can’t keep up with the Jones’

Dear Can’t Keep Up with the Jones’:

School shopping can be quite frustrating, especially on a tight budget. We all want to give our kids the best and all they want. When your budget is tight, it’s important to remember the essentials first. New clothing etc. is not an essential unless your child has outgrown everything. (Remember, too, birthdays, and holidays are a great time to let family members know your kids’ clothing sizes.) If your child goes to school and doesn’t have the essentials for learning, then you’re in trouble as it could reflect in her grade. Plus it’s embarrassing if kids (teens) are given supplies by their teacher, and the kid may feel like a charity case.

You need to sit and have that conversation with your teen that there just isn’t a lot of extra money to play with this year, so there will be essentials bought for school and perhaps instead of four or five new outfits, just one or two. It doesn’t have to be a fight, just a serious heart to heart.

I start often with my daughter (who’s 5) and say, ”Ya know if I could I would buy you everything in the world, but I can’t so here’s the deal…” Then we talk about what she can have, for example she’s now so excited to be getting her new Barbie backpack and lunch bag (essentials).  You can even make those essentials sound good! Say it with love and not too “matter-of-factly.”

Oh goodness!  Where to shop? This may be hard to say considering style, but Walmart usually has it all and at great prices. I wish I could advocate for smaller home owned businesses, but I really don’t know of any who has it all AND are inexpensive. You can also try online for buying clothes. Many stores often have free shipping and great sales at this time of year. The only problem… ya can’t try them on until you receive them, and then returning them isn’t always a fun or easy process. But, it keeps you out of the stores if you hate shopping.  You can always hit the malls too… many stores, one roof! There are also thrift stores to buy clothing from, maybe not a popular choice, but they will have different clothes, new to them, and no one knows where you got them or how much.  I have a friend who does this every year. Her kids don’t know where she got the stuff nor do they care because she chooses fashionable items that look new.

My last thought on this is to sit down with paper and pen and the Sunday paper, snag the fliers for the stores sales, circle what you NEED and prepare a list of necessities. Stick to your list (and your budget), then choose a day and go shopping at those places for those items.  However, there are some us who get things along the way… I am guilty of this. It just doesn’t seem to cost as much when I do this. I have young children, so I haven’t really hit the costly back-to-school items, yet! But instead of blowing $35 to $40 on ONLY school supplies in one shot, I buy as I go along throughout the summer. I’ll pick up the tissues and crayons one day and then the backpack and pencils another day, etc… until all is done! You can do this with clothing too. Tell them they get one new outfit now, then one every pay day throughout September, for example! Set your own parameters here.

And to heck with the Jones Family; they are probably having the same issues too, maybe on a different monetary scale or on a different life issue. The focus is your family! You can only do what you can do. Besides if it wasn’t the Jones family, then it’d be the Brown family or the Clark family or the Smith Family. And if it wasn’t school items and clothing, it may be housing, or vacations, vehicles, or spouses. Be blessed with what you have! The Jones family has their share of problems too.  (I think I answered a question for them in the past too. LOL!)

Live Happy! Stay Healthy!

~Reva

Dear Reva has a degree in teaching and child psychology. Her views do not necessarily reflect the views of staff at M3P Media LLC. To contact Dear Reva, email madnews@m3pmedia.com.

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Economics, Front Page, Opinion-Editorial Tagged With:

Three Non-Profits to Benefit Saturday

February 19, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Signing Event to Help Pantry, CAP and Bookstore

(Hamilton) Readers and collectors alike who missed receiving a copy of the inaugural edition of the Madison County Courier will now have the opportunity to get one, signed by the publisher, editors and some contributors of Madison County

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Dear Reva: 3 Kids + 2 Much Holiday Activity = Change

January 11, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Dear Reva,

I have an “after the holidays” question. The past few years my husband and I take our kids and go trotting from house to house on Christmas eve and Christmas day. We are exhausted and wanted to cut a couple of places out so we can enjoy our family more. I mean my toddler was crying because she wanted to stay and play with her cousins, but Oh no! Off we trotted to the next family member’s home. I didn’t want to leave either, and I can’t stand the constant movement. We visit 2 places on Christmas eve, and sometimes a church service, and then 4 to 5 places Christmas day. I would invite people to my home but it’s a bit further away, and I think family will get angry if we don’t come, actually I know they will. What can I do? I am tired of dragging my 3 small kids around on Christmas. Signed, Draggin’ Mother

Dear Draggin’ Mom,

What you’re doing by going all over is NUTS! And who cares if your place is a little father away, people will come. Invite them! Prior to doing so, and maybe even before Holiday celebrations….sometime in early November, TELL people how stressed and tired out you are tugging all these little ones out in the snow. TELL them your kids are stressed and are crying on the most wonderful day of the year. Then TELL them you have new plans, whether that be to have Christmas or Christmas eve at your house, or whatever you decide. Express your sadness in not being able to go everywhere. You also can have a Christmas party with one side of the family or friends, etc, the week before Christmas. Plan something like that or a new year’s celebration. Maybe many family members feel the same way. They should understand, especialy when you have 3 kids. If they don’t, “Ba-humbug” to them. (Seriously! You need some sanity! Four to 5 places in one day??? What time do you start out, 6 am?) There are a couple things to take into consideration, the elderly, and traditions. The older generation or anyone handicapped who can’t get out, go see them! Again, it doesn’t have to be Christmas day. Often, they have so many people on Christmas day and no one else the rest of the year. And traditions, if everyone for centuries always goes to great grandma and great grandpa’s house at 9 am for eggnogg, breakfast and gifts, don’t spoil that one. Traditions as such aren’t around as often, take pride in it. By the way, when you tell them you have new plans, you do not need to be too blunt. You can actually have the decision made for “change” in your head, but your heart needs to know that they want to see you. So speak delicately, maybe ask, “Is it ok if you came here this year for dinner instead of……?” Start thinking, and planning a strategy now, maybe even put the “feelers” out now…. Example: “Mom, I was so stressed out this year on Christmas, just by running all around on Christmas with the babies. What do you think of having Christmas dinner here next year?” See how things go. Hope this has helped. Happy New Year Everyone! ~Reva

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Front Page, Opinion-Editorial Tagged With:

Dear Reva: Holiday Stress Reducers

December 15, 2009 By 1 Comment

Happy Holidays and especially a Very Merry Christmas to everyone!
I thought it’d be a perfect time to write out some ways to reduce your stress this season. Select some of these guidelines for yourself and you’ll feel like decking the halls and not each other… (LOL)… Here we go!

1. This may be your most difficult task to do, but will keep you a bit saner if you can… SAY “NO!” For many people it is impossible to go to every Christmas party, and help out with every charity, and assist with the projects at church, and “do” all your kids’ events too.

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Opinion-Editorial

Dear Reva – Sometimes Friends Need to Agree to Disagree

October 29, 2009 By 1 Comment

Dear Reva,
Just having a really hard time with a friend, so I thought I’d ask for some advice.

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Oneida

Dear Reva: School Bus Problems

October 6, 2009 By 1 Comment

Dear Reva,
I am writing as I am outraged at the ridiculous decision our small town school has made to no longer pick up students at their houses. This pertains to children who are in 4th grade and up. If they are in kindergarten through 3rd grade, the children will be picked up at their homes by the bus. But, 4th grade and up have to walk to a corner, some, quite a distance away to get a ride on the bus. I am appalled. Busses aren’t always on time, so many parents who have little babies or toddlers will have to dress and get out in the cold daily for the winter weather. And they will because no parent in their right mind will let their kids who are 10 years old stand outside to be stalked by strangers in this day and age. Not to mention the fact that there’s a pedophile who lives a half mile away from our school. Great, huh? So much for helping us protect our kids. I know of a grandmother who has her granddaughter in the morning as the kid’s mom goes to work early. This girl has to walk two blocks down and turn a corner. That older grandmother can’t even see the kid none-the-less help her if she was to get hurt. The school said the law permits them to do this, and they need to save money due to the budget problems. This is a school district whose taxes are very generous to the school. I don’t understand how they could be saving much money at all. Even so, I will gladly pay the what???? 10 cents a ride for my kid to get picked up at our home. Reva, what can we do? Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,
I am going to assume you and other parents have gone to the school board with this problem. If not, write letters to them, go to a board meeting, get a petition moving NOW! Have everyone in the community sign it. Even call the superintendent’s office and talk with him / her about your concerns. VOICE! VOICE! VOICE! Loudly and strongly…get everyone involved even parents of the k-3 kids because it will soon affect them too. The school district has really inconvenienced everyone here and put kids in a rather unsafe position.You can even write letters to the editor of the local newspaper and online newspapers. Also call the bus garage and complain. There is power in numbers here. The more people who complain and ruffle their feathers, so to speak, the more likely you will change their minds on this because this is not a good thing. The district probably wants to keep this quiet. You can even write your mayor and senator to seek help. Hopefully, the school district will see what a problem this is and change its decision. Until that changes, you may want to carpool kids to school. Maybe take turns with other parents you know well. Good luck! ~Reva

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Opinion-Editorial

Infant Not Sleeping Through The Night

September 14, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Reva,

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Opinion-Editorial

Tips On Talking It Out

July 22, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Many of the requests often received by dear “so-n-so” columns are often problems that need to be “talked out.”

Let’s get real on some things……look at your problem/situation in the face. Did you do anything to cause it? If so, then perhaps an apology is an order. Let’s look at some inappropriate ways to apologize……….
Do Not…..
1. yell “SORRY” and stamper off like a little kid.
2. place blame on the other person. (For example…I am sorry you made me do it.)
3. call names. (For example….I apologize that you’re an idiot).
4. apologize for the person’s feelings. (For example, I am sorry you were disappointed.)
5. have an emotional thrust…the crying, yelling etc…Take some time, wait awhile if you need to in order to have a composed discussion.

People need to talk things out. That is a number ONE problem!….We often can’t! Ya see, what often happens is that we don’t like to listen to the other side, but Man, we want to be heard! So some people drive off in cars, swear, break dishes, cry and scream…whatever… so they can be heard! Ridiculous! It’s time to change to a people of self-control. We should have calmness and politeness, and we need to care about others…enough to listen with our hearts. We often listen to words and try to form a defense immediately, instead of saying we’re sorry and meaning it. We need to apologize to set ourselves free from defending wrong or hurt and to set others free from hurt and injustice…..

It is alright to take some time away from the person. After all, you just had an argument of some sort. Let them know if you can. Say something like, “I can’t talk about this right now. I just need some time.” You can also add a time for that person to call you, or when you will call them. Really “get to the heart” apologies should be done face to face if possible, (when both people are ready). You can see the person’s reactions, body language etc. and often follow that if need be; for example there may be a misunderstanding and you’ll be able to see that in their facial expressions.

Furthermore an apology should be “I am sorry for (action you did or something you said). Please forgive me. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” If you did intend to hurt the person (and at times we do), then at the end say, “I did it because……..(fill in) I was angry (for example), and that’s a shallow reason, and I am so sorry.” That’s a great apology. One with guts that takes ownership of the wrong-doing.

For example: “Jack, I am sorry for yelling at you and calling you a jerk. I was over-emotional and did not intend to hurt you. I know I really need to get control over these emotions, so I can calm down and talk out our problems. Please forgive me.”

Sometimes it isn’t easy, but don’t sit around and analyze your apology…”just do it.” I recently apologized for something I thought was so ridiculous for the offender to be upset about. Not only did I think it was ridiculous; but I also thought I was RIGHT about the situation at hand…even after we talked the details out. However, I did NOT tell the person I felt that way. I just apologized with heartfelt sincerity. Why? And did I lie?

Firstly, I didn’t lie….I wanted the person to be set free from hurt. And yes it was a true “gutsy” apology like the one above. There was a part of my brain saying, What are you doing, Reva? This is nuts?” But, my heart said, “I hurt her, no matter how trivial I think it is. She’s in pain over this, and our relationship will not be the same until she knows my heart wants peace too” So, really it is about laying down our pride, at times, for the ability to have PEACE!

I know people who have held grudges for years….Why do people do that? Because they are RIGHT! There may be other ‘things” at hand, like money, or valuable items (whether it’s monetary or sentimental.) But those things in life will pass away….money is gone in a heartbeat and items, get lost, broken, etc. Let’s face it. PRIDE holds us back. We want to be right AND we want the other party to ACKNOWLEDGE that we are right! (Dang! wouldn’t that be nice.) Normally that doesn’t happen, so we stay angry and sever our relationship for years.

Receiving an apology is usually much easier than giving one. We usually say that we accept the person’s apology after talking it out and go on with life. In severe situations we may not go on in life with that person as a friend or in our lives. Believe it or not….that’s okay too. I have a friend whose ex-husband had cheated on her many times. How many times can she forgive that? Her mind always wondering who he’s with. None-the-less, how many STDs will she have or even knowing she could contract AIDS. The list goes on. I think the best way to put it is use your own judgment. If you are constantly being hurt by someone, you may be in more serious danger….don’t engage with them any more.

That’s all for now. Enjoy your week.
~Reva

Reva is a graduate of SUNY Potsdam with a bachelors degrees in psychology and education. She’s also a graduate of SUNY Cortland with a masters degree in education. Reva has worked many years as an educator and gives very practical advice.
If you have a question for Reva, email her at reva@m3ppublications.com

Filed Under: Dear Reva, Opinion-Editorial Tagged With:

A Simple Reminder

July 7, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Dear Madison County Courier Readers,
I love giving good advice, but I also love receiving good advice. You may have received this in your email or maybe not, but it’s so good I wanted to share it with all of you.

Filed Under: Dear Reva Tagged With: , , , , ,
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